The Descent of the Darkness

I am not myself. I am not currently who I thought I was.  I am evolving through a darkness. It has been a long time since I felt like who I thought I was.  Now I don't think I know who I am.  Is that okay with you? For a long time I have not felt like I know what I'm doing.  What I do feel, is that I am getting it wrong. The pain of feeling like every day brings hurdles of tasks and mountains of coping, has become to much to bear, and I have exploded.  My former persona has dissipated   The walls of stability have long crumbled to dust, leaving behind a debris of confusion and warped reality.  I stare out from behind my eyes and wonder if my vision belies the truth to my brain, or that too has taken a tumble down a well.  The only consolation being, because I suspect a distorted actuality, I cant be mad right? It's a continuous fight to ensure the day runs smoothly, taking care of my responsibilities as I go, making sure I give 100 percent to my list of demands.  Slowly, but surely 100 percent became 90, which then become 70; now here we are at below 60 percent.  It could be less. Do they notice?  Have they wondered?  I am not sure they have heard the inner depths of my thoughts, I mean really heard.  And I am speaking. I am. So certain am I that my racing heartbeat has been heard by anyone in a ten mile radius, I marvel at the ignorance of their faces.  I am not sure if its me or they have always been that self centred. There is little difference between them and the ones close to me.  Filled with frustration fuelled by their sudden lack of patience, they shoot bursts of anger and unkind words, not realising my soul is pierced by their venom, and if its possible I sink further and further into that darkness.  It used to reach over single-handedly and hover over the top of my scalp, nowadays that hand is a Cumulonimbus that engulfs my whole head and waits.  It waits whilst the process of osmosis occurs and filters negative energy through my skull. It flows throughout my thoughts and words, in a way so subtle I cant even pinpoint when it happened. This time I cannot drive it away.  The positive quotes, the self-help and the spiritual books, do not have any affect.  Probably because I have no interest in reading them; I force myself.  Music soothes only for short periods, although all I can think about is how long it took me to choose the CD.  It makes no difference if they choose the music, too be honest I would be even less likely to listen.  Nothing helps.   The desires gone, the needs have waned, the love is lost.   Much Love, EL x