Mo More Drama, No More Pain

We've been dancing around in circles for such a long time.  I've written this before.  I've definitely said it before. I am not sure you are dizzy at all, which means you haven't clocked whats going on here.  This is a the epitome of an unhealthy cycle that's not breaking for Love nor money. Unbeknownst to you, I am about to bowl through and knock down the next stage in this loop, thus shutting down this whole charade.  The level of dizziness is highly nauseating, and the intensity of this migraine is forcing me to make this ultimate decision for the good of my mental health.  You care about that don't you? The alternative is many more days, months, years spent in a pit of repetition and resentment.  Every day would bring the inevitable tetchy temperament of my tortured soul, and the rich air of your righteousness you so heavily exude that antagonizes me.  Hot word exchanges that bring about the darkest moods at the ping of an iMessage, followed by hours of sulky silence.  Is that what you will miss?  As the dreary excuse for a friendship goes on, the number of social platforms to hit the block button on dwindles down to nothing.  And we both know it does not end there.  The cycle has to keep revolving right?   Unblocking is actually a thing with us.  The bizarre decision to undo what should be final, occurs during windows of false clarity, when everyone feels 'things will be okay this time'. Bullshit.  Its Bullshit. And so, unlike prior occasions, I crack the cycle with as few words as possible.  For you prey upon my open ended statements and hesitations, that leave reasonable doubt for your manipulative routines to shatter my resolve.  I deliver the revelation without an ounce of regret, because lets be honest, there is only one way this could have gone.  At least this way its peaceful, free from drama.  I have closed off my senses to what you may be feeling, so I do not take on the burden of thinking of you over my own needs.  The pressure I have put upon myself to make sure you are happy over my fragile state of mind still looms slightly, and so it is better this way. Lord, please take care of this one.  Guide, protect and bless.   More importantly, keep my mind right, keep my spirit strong, and remind me of the end goal when my mind threatens to crumble and cave in. Here's to the next chapter, here's to new beginnings.




Much Love, EL x